Why does Garry Goodman hate Hello Nurse? Because he plays an 11 string bass. Why does he play an 11 string bass? Because he hates himself.

Back story

Hello Nurse struck a nerve with bassplayer Garry Goodman when we implied in a news story that 11 string bass players play terrible music. See here

The inspiration for the story was of a ridiculous picture of a bass player we found in The Hall of Douchebags

Initially we Photoshopped Joe's face onto a portion of the "douchebag" photo and posted it with our news story. Then last Friday we received an email from Garry Goodman, who identified himself as the "douchebag" in the photo, saying, "My attorneys will be contacting you shortly.I suggest you take the photo of my body and bass off your site." ("attorneys" - plural, nice touch)

This had us doubled over laughing, Christian's response was, "Are you fucking serious?" The guy who posted the image in The Hall of Douchebags gave us this advice, "tell him to go hug a root."

However, this first email from Garry was followed by a number of other emails with ever-more impudent legal threats. After the next round of emails we got from Garry we tittered, then we grew weary of hearing from Garry and his friends. Eventually, the squeaky wheel got the grease and we removed the offending picture from the web site.

All's well that ends well, right? Wrong

We caved, we did what he asked us to and yet we still get emails. A person who identified herself as his friend Hope, wife of Garry's musical partner David, wrote us saying, "You really got to him, he was really upset." She said he told her to check out the story because of "derogatory things" being said about him, and she tells us she wrote him "what derogatory remarks and bs? you're not even mentioned ... are you paranoid??"

You said it sister! We said nothing about Garry, we didn't even know his name until he started pestering us with his endless emails. We tried the high road, we accommodated him, we held our tongue, but enough is enough. We can't stay silent forever!

After we took down the image, we checked out his music. It turns out we were dead-right: His is the kind of music they pump into airport waiting areas because it's equally offensive to everyone. On his latest self-released album, he says that his unique playing technique makes it seem as though there are four guitar players playing. This is hardly complimentary - have you ever heard four guitars going at once? Even The Eagles stopped at three (go to any Guitar Center on a Saturday and you'll see why).

An open letter to Garry Goodman

Dear Garry,

I'm not a hard-hearted man. It's occurred to me that perhaps we started out on the wrong foot and that maybe in your day-to-day dealings with people you aren't the juvenile dick you've been to us. However, as David Bryne once pointed out, "first impressions are often correct."

We're not the only ones with whom you have left an indelible mark. Your musical partner David and his wife Hope have this to say about you: that you can't stop "tooting [your] own horn" and "we think the more strings he gets on his bass, the more brain cells he loses" and "i am cool, as is [David]. the person you mock is not, trust me, we know all about him."

Now Garry, I don't know you or anything about you, I'm just a guy who thinks 11 string basses are funny, but David and Hope know you and they agree with the guy from The Hall of Douchebags, "we were told by a mutual friend about the douchbag page, but couldn't find it anywhere -- thank you for putting that up -- now i can add that to my collection and send it to our friends for a good laugh -- it is funny and the caption is quite appropos!"

Please stop contacting us. Put this matter behind you and move on.

Sincerely,
Hello Nurse